Hilarious Blog and Book

Posted on April 28, 2012 by Shawn

A few months ago, I came across the The Bloggess, a blog by Jenny Lawson. I found this hilarious blog when I stumbled across her story “And That’s Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles.” It’s a story about how a fight with her husband over towels results in her buying a five-foot high metal chicken.

And it’s one of the stories in her new book: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I pre-ordered the book on iTunes, so it downloaded as soon as it was released. I finally got around to reading it earlier this week before I started studying for finals. I loved it! And, based on the New York Time’s Bestseller list Combined Print and E-book Nonfiction for May 6 (It’s still April, right?), I’m not the only one. It’s currently ranked #1.

I won’t go into too much detail about the book, but I encourage you to read it. It’s a collection of stories about her youth, her current life, and her obsession with taxidermied animals.

It is hilarious. Several times I laughed so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. Some of my favorite lines include:

  • “Lisa giggled and stuck her hand up the ass of the dead squirrel.” in the chapter Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel.
  • “No one called me back, probably because none of them could find an elegant way to say, ‘You left your turkey baster in that cow’s vagina.’ ” in If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices.
  • “Then one night we used the baby’s head as a bong.” (talking about a doll’s head) in Draw Me a Fucking Dog.
  • “Check your vagina. Does it look kind of broken? If so, you probably had a baby.” in My Vagina is Fine. Thanks for Asking.
  • “I thanked her, but explained that I’m not a hiker and was just looking around for dead bodies.” in I’m Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest.
  • “I countered that it didn’t seem ‘common’ to have to protect your dead dog by going after a vulture with a machete. My mom said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Where would a vulture get a machete?’ ” also in I’m Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest.


They’re EVEN FUNNIER in context.

So, go get the book and read it, and check out Jenny’s blog.

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Spring Break Is Almost Half Over

Posted on March 14, 2012 by Shawn

Spring Break is almost half over and I’m just starting to feel relaxed. I took the whole week off work. I spent a few days relaxing in DC, and am now in Florida for a few days, before I go back and start my reading for next week.

I feel like I’m starting to relax. I find myself repeatedly exhaling deeply, and I think a nap under a tree may be called for after lunch.

I actually slept fairly well last night. For the first few nights, I didn’t sleep well, at all. I kept having crazy dreams. It was like my brain had all this clutter it needed to get out. The first morning, I woke up at 4:46, and finally gave up and got out of bed at 6:30. I had a dream that there was a fine in the dorm room above mine, which started when the guys living there decided to light their hammock on fire to see what would happen. The fire spread to my room. After the firefighters were done, my room collapsed in on itself like a Transformer, until it was about the size of two large bricks. Just as I was lamenting to a friend that I was going to have to buy new textbooks, I woke up.

What the hell was that about?

The next two nights, I had weird dreams, too, but I don’t really remember them.

This morning, I woke about 7. I find that I often don’t need much sleep when I’m on vacation. I guess when I’m not stressed, I don’t need as much time to recover. I also like being up earlier than everyone else. This morning, I watched the sun rise from the comfort of the heated pool.

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How Much Does Spinning the Chamber Really Help?

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Shawn

Really? A math word problem in law school?

Ok, here’s a hypothetical problem for you: (Do not try this at home. Or anywhere.)

Let’s say it’s 1945 and you’re seventeen and  just sitting at the lunch counter with your 13 year-old friend. You’re bored. Television is just kicking off and the Simpsons are years away from being reality. So you start thinking. “Hmmm. What can two kids do to pass the time?”

“Well,” you say to yourself, “we can play Russian Poker,” which is more commonly known as Russian Roulette. Luckily you brought your uncle’s revolver and a bullet. So, you load the gun, putting the bullet in the last slot of the 5 chambers, point the gun at your friend’s right side and pull the trigger three times. It’s not going to fire until the fifth time. Right?. Oops. On the third pull, the gun fires, and two days later your friend dies.

Who’d be dumb enough to do that, you ask? Well, a kid named Malone. Commonwealth v. Malone, 47 A.2d 445 (PA 1946). This was a case we discussed in class tonight. Part of the discussion focused on Malone’s failure to spin the chamber in between trigger pulls, which is the proper way to play Russian Roulette, apparently. So, as I was walking to the trainer, tonight, I decided to figure out the difference in the odds.

Malone’s Odds

So, we need to calculate the odds of at least one of the three trigger pulls firing. That is calculated as:

=1 – odds of all three trigger pulls NOT firing

because if all three didn’t fire then at least one had to fire. So, in this case, that would be:

=1 – (0.8) (0.75) (0.67)

Why do the odds decrease each trigger pull? Because it’s sampling without replacement. So, first trigger pull, there’s an 80% chance the gun doesn’t fire. (It’s a five chamber gun, remember.) But, the second time you pull the trigger, there’s only 3 empty chambers out of the 4 remaining, so only a 75% chance the gun doesn’t fire this time.

So, the odds that Malone’s going to blow away a “vital part” of his friend’s body are:

59.8%

Would Spinning the Chamber Have Helped?

So, the question was whether it would have helped if Malone had spun the chamber in between trigger pulls.

Well… First off, it probably would have given his friend a little time to reconsider his decision to tell Malone to go ahead and play the game. But, that’s beside the point.

In this case, the odds would now be calculated as:

=1 – (0.8) (0.8) (0.8)

Since each trigger pull would be an independent event (now we’re sampling with replacement), the odds of the gun not firing each time remains 80%. So now Malone’s odds of blowing away part of his friend are only:

48.8%

Well, that’s on the right side of 50/50, at least. In fact, that’s a relative decrease of 18%. But, would that have been enough to change gross recklessness to recklessness and gotten Malone down to involuntary manslaughter?

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Need Advice on a New TV

Posted on January 22, 2012 by Shawn

I finished my federal taxes on Friday and I’m going to use part of my refund to buy a new TV. I have a 32 inch picture-tube TV that I bought ten years ago. I’ve been waiting of fit to diet before I replace it, but the damn thing just seems to want to live forever. The picture went out once about 18 months ago. But, after I turned it off and back on, it’s worked fine since then.

Old TV digital picture Frame

But, I don’t know anything about the new flat screen TVs. So, I figured I’d ask for advice.

A few questions come to mind, but there may be other things to consider that I’m not even aware of, so I’d appreciate any input.

  • Do I want LCD or plasma? Why
  • Any special features I need?
  • Any special connections that will be helpful? (Right now, I only see hooking up the Wii and the DVD player.)
  • Any specific brands or retailers you’d recommend?

Thanks! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Semester 2, Week 1 – Done

Posted on January 15, 2012 by Shawn

Well, week #1 is done! Whew! As I mentioned in a previous post, it was kind of rough getting back into the swing of things. The week went pretty well, except in an effort to save my back, I only took one of my Civil Procedure books with me. Of course, we spent time reading directly out of the other two books. And, since I have to read them on the weekends, I can’t just leave them in my locker. Oh well. That’s why they invented chiropractors and massage therapists.

My Weekend

So, this weekend was about catching up, regrouping, and — hopefully — getting a little ahead.

A month ago, I had booked a reservation for Friday for Restaurant Week. Since Friday was the only night I could do dinner, the choices were somewhat limited, and I booked on OpenTable as soon as they announced the dates. I like to use Restaurant Week to try restaurants I wouldn’t otherwise spend that much money at. I’ve had great experiences at 1789, for instance. This time, my reservation was at Chef Geoff’s Downtown. I had heard very mixed things about it, so I ended up canceling the reservation.

I stayed in on Friday and got my reading for Civil Procedure and Criminal Law both done.

Saturday was the trainer (that’s why everything hurts!!), and a really wonderful second date.

Today, was reading for Rhetoric, as well as cleaning off my desk.

But It’s Not Over!

Wait! It’s a 3-day weekend! I get an extra day to enjoy.

Actually, tomorrow will be spent first working on my next Rhetoric writing assignment. Then, I need to run to Target and the grocery store. I’m going to cook some chili so I have something healthy to eat this week.

Speaking of healthy cooking, I started reading An Everlasting Meal: Cooking with Economy and Grace by Tamar Adler. I’ve only read two chapters, but it makes me want to cook in a very simple, filling, and tasty way. I’d recommend picking it up.

 

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Contracts Grade – Day 34 – The End

Posted on January 10, 2012 by Shawn

We got our Contracts grade, today. Thank goodness this madness has finally ended.

I did pretty well.

 

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Semester 2, Day 1 – Done!

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Shawn

Today was the first day of my 2nd semester of law school.

Last Night

Last night, I started packing for today. Last semester, I had a solid routine down. I packed my bag the night before, including my change of clothes if I was planning on showering at work. I had gotten in the habit of knowing which books I needed which night, and what nights I needed to pack my computer, without having to think about it. But, after only 3 1/2 weeks away from the routine, I felt like I was starting from scratch. It seemed to require a lot of effort to go through my checklist:

  • Computer: yes – going to try to take all my notes electronically
  • Notebooks: no – See above. Ok, maybe one, just in case I need paper to write on
  • Pens: Two
  • Casebook: Yes
  • Other 5 books for Civil Procedure: No
  • Books for Rhetoric: (Didn’t even cross my mind.)

Starting to put it all in my bag, and feeling myself get back in that rhythm, reminded me just how tired I was last semester. And how much of a rut I felt like I was in during the semester. A little part of me wondered if I could do it again. I was SO tired by the end of the semester. People kept saying, “I don’t know how you do it.” Might as well ask, “How do you eat an elephant?” The answer’s the same: “One bite at a time.” Just focus on the next step. The next day. The next writing assignment. Don’t look too far ahead or you lose hope and fell overcome by despair.

But, better to not spend time exploring that feeling, and just put my head down and go forward. One bite at a time.

Tonight

Tonight, I had Civil Procedure and Rhetoric, which is why I was packing for those classes. (At least I got that right!).

This afternoon at work, I noticed a flurry of activity on Facebook about how it was snowing in DC. (Not that I look at Facebook during work, but somehow I knew.) Then, it started snowing out in the suburbs where I work, and it was coming down pretty heavy. While it wasn’t sticking to the ground, it was covering the grass and the trees as I left work. The first week of my first semester involved a 5.8 magnitude earthquake and Hurricane Irene. This semester starts with what looked like a blizzard for a few hours. Is this a sign?

Civ Pro (saving me the trouble of typing Civil Procedure every time) wasn’t bad. The professor seems interesting and friendly. I even raised my hand to answer a question. I got it wrong. Doh #1. And, he misheard my name, and called me “John.” Doh #2.

Rhetoric was fine. It seems this semester is going to be a lot of work. Only two real assignments, but they’re both pretty big assignments. AND… I’m already behind in the reading. The Rhetoric Department uses an entirely separate electronic system to communicate with us, and I didn’t think to look there for the syllabus until this morning. Doh #3. And I learned we have two research lectures this semester. Doh #4. Maybe they will be more useful than the ones we had last semester. Maybe? Probably not. Doh #5 & #6.

At least this is a long weekend, so I have an extra day to catch up.

Contracts Grade – Day 33

It’s been 4 weeks and 5 days (33 days!), and we still don’t have our grade from last semester’s Contracts class. I’m going to start doing a daily count like a hostage situation.

Reporter speaking directly to camera: “Day 45 of ‘Contracts Grades,’ and they still haven’t been released. When will this insanity end?”

(Camera cuts to a crowd of individuals weeping loudly.)

I almost don’t care anymore. Who am I kidding? I’m an over-achiever. Of course I care.

Overall, not a bad day

Six “Doh’s,” but overall not a bad first day.

And that’s one more day closer to graduation. Only 6.98 semesters to go.

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This Little Piggy Wants to be a Dragon!

Posted on January 8, 2012 by Shawn

2012 is going to be a good year for me. I can feel it.

I’ve had some rough times over the last few years, but things have been steadily improving and it seems that everything is lining up. That’s why I KNOW 2012 is going to be a good year.

Chinese dragon

Image via Wikipedia

The Year of the Dragon

2012 is the Year of the Dragon. Since this is going to be my year, I figured I must be a dragon. It makes sense when you look at the descriptions:

      • Dragons are frequently helpful but rarely ask for help.
      • They prefer to be alone.
      • They are hardworking

But, when I checked my sign, I found out that I’m a Pig.

The Year of the Pig

English: Pot bellied pig at Lisbon Zoo

Image via Wikipedia

That was a little disappointing to discover. Who wants to be a pig? It’s bad enough when my trainer hints that I’m not losing weight. I don’t need the whole Chinese Zodiac calling me fat!

So what’s a Pig? Well, according to my only source, the Pig symbolizes diligence, compassion and generosity.

  • We are entertaining.
  • We are giving, but can give too much.
  • We are honest and expect honesty
  • We spend more than we save.
  • We seek fun and often indulge too much.
  • We are social and dislike being alone
  • We are detailed oriented.
  • We make great partners. We’re affectionate, sexual and prefer staying home to going out.

Ok, so most of those do fit me, except the one about disliking being alone. Maybe that one does fit. I am an introvert, as I previously discussed, but I do get lonely when I’m alone for too long. I guess I can be social, but I prefer being social in small groups, rather than in large situations.

Since I was born in 1971, I’m actually a Metal Pig. According to my only source on this topic, that means I work diligently and love “with all [I] have.”

So, maybe this whole pig-thing isn’t so bad. We do seem like a good bunch of people to wallowing in the mud with.

But, since I want 2012 to be my year, this little Piggy still wants to be a Dragon. At least until the end of 2012.

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Happy 2012!!

Posted on January 2, 2012 by Shawn

Happy New Year!

I’m back!

It’s been a few months since my last post. I got busy with school and work, and didn’t feel like I had anything to say. Then, the longer I waited, the more it felt like I needed to have something important to say. It’s the same idea behind Open That Bottle Night. (More on OTBN later.)

Buttons on his first day here

Since I’m going to try to post more frequently, even if they are brief posts, some quick updates:

  • I got a new cat: Buttons. He’s about 3 and one of the sweetest, 15-pound cats I know. Alex isn’t happy with him, even though she was very lonely since Katie died.
  • I finished my first semester of law school. Not all of our grades are in, even though the exam was Dec 7th, and we start the next semester in a week, but so far, I did pretty well. And there was only one point where I really questioned the decision.
  • I’m still working out with the trainer twice a week. I guess it’s showing. For New Year’s Eve, I went to a coworker’s party. I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, and he was impressed that my arms and shoulder have gotten bigger. I guess it doesn’t show under my dress shirts.
  • 2012 is going to be a great year! I’ve made a few New Year’s resolutions, more on these with time.
  • I’m starting to use Twitter, more. Thanks to the app Flipboard, I’m finding it possible to keep up.

What are your resolutions for 2012?

Leave them in the comments below.

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It’s been a LONG week!

Posted on October 6, 2011 by Shawn

There was a point where I felt hopeful about this week. It was sometime Sunday night. Then I woke up at my usual 5:45 am Monday morning, and I was already exhausted. It’s been pretty much downhill since then. Or maybe it’s been uphill based on how tired I am.

Where did it go?

I got all my reading done over the weekend. So, I should have been good for the week. And I even took Tuesday off work. Sure, I spent the morning at the hospital delivering a monkey balloon to a friend admitted with chest pain. (She’s going to be fine.) And, I spent much of the afternoon reading the live blogging of the iPhone announcement (An iPhone 4S? Where’s my iPhone 5, damn it?). But, I went into torts feeling like I was getting it, and I was keeping up. And Torts class went fine. Yet, by the end, I felt like I was lost and going to be getting further lost.

I have been so tired this week that several days I haven’t been sure what day it is. In my Wednesday Contracts class, I had a few moments of panic when I realized I hadn’t read for the next class, but then realized that it was Wednesday and the next class wasn’t until Monday. My watch battery is still dead (about 3 weeks now), and the clock in my office is falling behind because that battery’s going. I haven’t had a clue what time it is since Monday.

Tonight, spent an hour or so in the WORST LEGAL RESEARCH LECTURE EVER! Here’s the research librarian’s lesson on secondary resources: “Go to Westlaw. Click here. Here. And Here.” I tried following along, but that was difficult because she left key steps out of her screen shots. (Some of the items aren’t alphabetical, they’re thrown in at the end. And, they’ve changed the screen layout for LegalTrac since she took the screenshots she used for her PowerPoint presentation.) It would have been a more productive hour if you had written out directions and let me do it on my own at home. So frustrating!

Work has been busy, too

It’s been a busy week at work. With Tuesday off, Wednesday felt like Monday. And, I’ve had enough work to do that I have to go in tomorrow. Friday is usually my work-at-home day, which means I can sleep until 7:30 and still be working by 8:00. But, I didn’t have time to figure out what I needed to bring home, and some things are just easier to do in the office. So, I’m going to get up at 5:45 tomorrow to go into work.

This week, I read about 75 resumes and am trying to coordinate interviews across 6 staff and 14 candidates.

At least I have a date after work to look forward to.

This has got to be unhealthy

I’ve survived this week on two speeds: Full and Dead Stop. And, I try to transition as quickly as possible to save time. I’m up to a minimum of 5 medium to large cups of coffee a day, along with a lot of M&M’s. That’s Full Speed. Then, when I get home, I need to calm down so I can get to sleep. That’s Dead Stop. Thank goodness for wine or Ambien. I did make it to the trainer on Tuesday, and had a good workout, although I tired easily.

And, I irritable. When I’m tired, I don’t deal with frustration as well. On the drive home from school tonight, I encountered about 7 idiots, 3 morons, 9 assholes, a few f*&king assholes, and 1 Worst Driver Ever. The guy in front of me at 18th and Florida couldn’t figure out what he was doing, until he managed to make sure no one got through the green light in our direction. Then, 10 seconds after the light turned red, he decided he wasn’t going to turn left, and gunned it through the red light. Really? Where’s a lazy DC cop when you need one?

BTW: Some day, I’m going to start a blog where you can post pictures of DC cops breaking the law or goofing off. Like the day one almost hit me because he was making a right turn on red, while texting on his iPhone.

 

Sorry if this posting is rambling and disjointed. It’s been a long week. I’m tired, and I just got home at 9:45 pm. Now, I’m going to have a glass of wine and watch Modern Family on the DVR.

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